Understanding Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)

I have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, commonly called OCD, which is an anxiety disorder.

In everyday conversation, it’s common to hear someone with a neat bedroom or organized desk jokingly say they’re “so OCD.” In reality, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder is far more complex than simply liking things tidy or organized. It’s a serious mental health condition that affects how a person thinks, feels + functions.

OCD is characterized by persistent, unwanted thoughts known as obsessions, along with strong urges to perform certain actions called compulsions. These thoughts + behaviors are not simply habits or preferences, they are distressing, intrusive + often driven by anxiety. A person with OCD may experience obsessions, compulsions, or both + these symptoms can significantly interfere with daily life and overall well-being. Living with OCD often means feeling a loss of control over certain thoughts or behaviors to the point that they disrupt normal routines + activities.

Because of this, many people who live with OCD (like myself) find it frustrating when the term is used casually or inaccurately. Saying “I’m so OCD” to describe being neat or particular can unintentionally trivialize a condition that many people struggle with every day. Words like “particular,” “clean,” or “organized” are usually more accurate.

It’s also important to note that Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder is different from Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD). Although their names + some traits may sound similar, they are distinct mental health conditions with different characteristics + patterns of behavior.

OCPD is a personality disorder which is characterized by a preoccupation with organization, perfectionism + control (both mental + interpersonal) at the expense of flexibility + efficiency. OCPD is often associated with rigidity, anger + inflexibility. OCPD is a personality disorder defined by strict adherence to orderliness + control over one's environment at the expense of flexibility + the openness to new experiences.

OCPD is characterized by personality traits such as: Excessive need for perfection + relentless control over one's environment + interpersonal relationships. Preoccupation with details, rules, lists + order that can result in missing the major objective of an activity. Excessive devotion to work at the expense of family + friends. Rigidity + inflexibility in regard to morals, ethics, values + / or the adherence to rules. (Source: VeryWellMind)

I began seriously focusing on my mental health for the first time in March, 2020, at the start of COVID + quarantine. Between the uncertainty of the pandemic + my struggles with OCD, anxiety, panic attacks + severe depression, I actually felt relieved that therapy would be virtual.

For a long time, I put off starting therapy. Part of me didn’t want to dig deep + do the hard work that healing requires. I was also worried about being matched with a therapist I didn’t connect with + having to start the entire process over again, opening up to someone new from the beginning. The thought of that felt daunting, emotionally draining + overwhelming.

Fortunately, I was paired with an incredible therapist right from the start. I’ll share more about that experience in another post, along with information about therapy, virtual therapy + resources that can help if you’re struggling. You are not alone. I’m a huge advocate for therapy + I want others to know that there are many options + resources available.

Lately, I’ve also been working on setting better boundaries with myself + trying to practice them more consistently each day. It isn’t always easy. For most of my life, I’ve leaned heavily toward holistic + alternative approaches to health + healing. While I still value those perspectives, I’ve also come to understand that there is a time + place for conventional medicine as well. Ideally, I hope that one day the two approaches can continue to evolve + work more closely together.

It took me a long time to feel comfortable even considering prescription medication, but eventually I decided I wanted to try it + see if it could help. During the pandemic, my symptoms became much more intense + difficult to manage. I started taking Zoloft + it has made a significant difference for me. That said, medication isn’t a complete solution on its own, I still work on maintaining healthy boundaries with myself every day, especially when it comes to managing my OCD.

Some boundaries I’m learning to practice with myself are:

• Logging off + not responding to calls or emails after a certain time.

• Saying no to things that don’t feel aligned with me or that make me uncomfortable.

• Pausing + honoring my own needs before responding when I feel triggered.

• Being intentional about how much time I spend on social media.

• Giving myself permission to rest + recharge.

  
  
  
  

Because I was only recently diagnosed with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, my brother shared a tweet about it. He didn’t mention my name, but I’m completely comfortable with the topic being discussed publicly. He wrote:

“A close member of my family didn’t receive a diagnosis until recently. We need to make mental health care much more accessible and encourage people to seek help.”

One of his friends responded by sharing her own experience:

“I was officially diagnosed with OCD at 14 while receiving treatment for my eating disorder. As I explained my history of symptoms to the doctor, he turned to my mom and said, ‘It sounds like this may have been going on since she was around nine years old.’This was even with a known family history of anxiety and OCD, yet no one connected the dots until something serious happened. Even after recovering from my eating disorder, I didn’t fully come to terms with my ongoing anxiety until I was 25, when I started talking with adult female friends who were already getting help.All of this is to say—you never know how the words you share or the stories you tell might resonate with someone else, especially when it comes to women and mental health.”

As I read through the replies to my brother’s tweet, I noticed a pattern emerging in the responses.

One woman wrote:

“Anecdotally, I’ve noticed—in myself, friends, and even in memoirs—that around age nine seems to be when something shifts.”

Another woman shared:

“I was diagnosed with OCD at 23 when I was nearly suicidal, but my symptoms started when I was nine. Fourteen years of suffering before I finally had answers.”

Reading these stories made me realize how many people live with symptoms for years—sometimes decades, before receiving the support or diagnosis they need.

When I think back to my childhood, I can remember moments that make much more sense to me now. I was probably around eight or nine years old when one of these memories happened. At the time, I was completely obsessed with stationery, very much living that Sanrio + Hello Kitty life. I loved collecting cute paper, notebooks + pens + I had to display everything on my desk in a very specific way.

One day, I left my room and when I came back, a friend had moved some of my things around. Whether she did it intentionally or not, I remember feeling completely overwhelmed by it. I became extremely upset, far beyond what would normally be expected in that situation. I was crying + angry + I couldn’t explain why. I think I even told her she had to go home.

Looking back, I realize that my reaction wasn’t typical. I have small flashes of memories like this from when I was younger, moments when my reactions didn’t quite match the situation. A lot of those feelings seemed to come from a sense of losing control or from a fear I didn’t yet have the words to describe.

I also remember being a teenager and watching the movie Mad Love, starring Drew Barrymore + Chris O'Donnell. In the film, Drew’s character struggles with bipolar disorder, experiencing both deep depression + periods of elevated mood. Even though her condition was different from mine, it was the first time I remember seeing mental illness portrayed in a way that helped me understand what mental health struggles might actually look like, from the perspective of the person experiencing them + the people around them.

Now, through therapy, I’m able to look back + connect many of my experiences to Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. Over time, my symptoms became more intense. For a while, my family didn’t see how much things had progressed because I was living on my own, first in Florida + later in California.

They may have sensed that something wasn’t quite right, but they didn’t necessarily know what it was or how to respond. When I talk with my parents about it now, they’ve told me they often thought my behavior was simply typical teenage angst. At times, though, they wondered if it might be something more.

It wasn’t until I recently moved back home during the pandemic that everything became much more visible. Seeing someone struggle with OCD, especially during intense or overwhelming moments can be frightening + confusing for the people around them. Facing that reality together was difficult, but it also helped bring things into the open in a way that hadn’t happened before.

Women suffer from anxiety at nearly twice the rate of men + it can have serious repercussions. A coalition of women's health groups is now recommending that all girls + women be screened for anxiety disorders starting at age 13. ( Source: NPR )

15 Possible Signs of OCD

• You feel a strong need for things to feel “just right,” ordered, or symmetrical.

• You experience intrusive thoughts that are unwanted + distressing.

• You develop rituals or repetitive behaviors to try to reduce anxiety caused by these thoughts.

• You repeatedly check things (doors, messages, appliances, tasks) even when you know you’ve already done them.

• You feel guilt or shame about your intrusive thoughts, even though you don’t want them.

• Your intrusive thoughts may involve taboo topics such as harm, sex, religion, or morality.

• You sometimes feel stuck in your head, constantly analyzing or replaying thoughts.

• You focus heavily on worst-case scenarios + spend a lot of mental energy trying to prevent them.

• Your thoughts or compulsive behaviors interfere with your daily life, work, or relationships.

• You may seek reassurance from others repeatedly to ease your anxiety.

• You fear that if you don’t perform certain rituals, something bad might happen.

• Your compulsions may not make sense to others, but they feel necessary to you.

• Over time, your rituals can become more time-consuming or complex.

• You may have difficulty concentrating because your mind is occupied with intrusive thoughts.

• Even though you logically know the rituals may not prevent anything, you still feel compelled to perform them to reduce anxiety.

Many people don’t realize that OCD involves both obsessions and compulsions, which is central to the disorder. It's important to understand the mechanism of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder instead of thinking it’s just personality traits.

The OCD Cycle

For people living with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, obsessive thoughts, unwanted, persistent, or intrusive ideas, images, or impulses, can keep replaying over + over in the mind. These obsessions often trigger intense anxiety or distress, creating a strong urge to respond in some way.

To try to manage this anxiety, people with OCD may engage in repetitive behaviors or mental rituals called compulsions. These actions are meant to reduce the distress caused by the obsessions.

While compulsions can bring temporary relief, the relief is usually short-lived. Soon after, the obsessive thoughts often return + the cycle begins again.

For me personally, I developed various rituals + compulsions that gave me a sense of control or at least temporary relief in what often felt like a chaotic, out-of-control world. Since starting Zoloft, these symptoms have lessened significantly, though I continue to work on managing them with therapy + daily strategies.

TRIGGERS For My Rituals + Compulsions

For me, my OCD rituals + compulsions were often triggered by feeling unsafe or out of control. Some common examples included:

• Upsetting disagreements

• Family tension or conflict

• Insomnia

• Fear of losing a family member

• Illness

More significant life events could intensify these triggers, such as:

• My mom undergoing two lumpectomy surgeries for zero-stage carcinoma in situ, followed by radiation, all during the pandemic.

  
  

• My dad having an emergency pacemaker surgery, also during the pandemic.

  
  

• A late-night drive to the emergency room at 1 a.m. for my dad’s high blood pressure (thankfully, he was okay; it turned out the timing of his new medication had caused a temporary spike to 190). That night was traumatic for me. Between my insomnia + being in a daze, I completely forgot about pandemic hospital protocols. When we were told we couldn’t go inside, I had a nervous breakdown, terrified that I might not see my dad again.

  
  

• In addition, I have been diagnosed with Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD), a severe form of premenstrual syndrome that includes both physical + behavioral symptoms. PMDD can cause extreme mood shifts, intense sadness, hopelessness, irritability, or anger that disrupt work + relationships. The combination of PMDD + OCD often intensified my compulsions and rituals. Thankfully, Zoloft has helped significantly reduce the intensity of both my OCD + PMDD symptoms.

My OCD Rituals + Compulsions

Some of the rituals + compulsions I have or am still working through include:

• Obsessively organizing: From morning to night, I would go from reorganizing a closet, sorting hangers by color, organizing paperwork, cleaning the kitchen until every inch was spotless, vacuuming + arranging drawers without stopping, sometimes even skipping meals.

  
  

• Ruminating on past actions: Obsessively thinking about situations I didn’t handle “correctly,” or replaying past events + wondering how I could have done things differently especially at night, which contributed to insomnia.

  
  

• Processing trauma: Obsessively thinking about traumatic events I’ve experienced or witnessed.

  
  

• Excessive sterilizing: Obsessively cleaning + sterilizing things long before the pandemic, which naturally became more intense during it.

  
  

• Rituals for safety: For example, when boarding a plane, I felt compelled to make the sign of the cross, kiss my hand + touch the plane. During descent, I would keep my fingers crossed until the plane safely landed. If I didn’t perform this ritual, I feared something bad might happen.

  
  

• Overworking on my website: While building + maintaining my website is a passion, I struggled to set limits + could work for hours without breaks. I’ve started setting an alarm to remind myself to stretch, walk, take breaks + stop for the day. This helps me enjoy my work without letting it turn into a compulsive behavior or a substitute for OCD.

These are just a few examples; there are more that I’m still processing. These compulsions are ways I try to cope with obsessive thoughts + relieve the anxiety or inner turmoil they create. I plan to write a follow-up post about what I’ve learned through therapy + strategies that have helped me manage my OCD, anxiety, panic attacks + depression.

I want to take a moment to thank my supportive parents, brother, relatives, doctor + therapist for all their love + guidance.

Finally, a reminder: please do not self-diagnose. If you relate to some of what I’ve described, reach out to a professional who can help. The therapy + medication that worked for me, may not work for you, so always speak with a professional. My goal in writing this post is to raise awareness + encourage anyone who resonates with my experiences to seek support. I’ll be sharing more posts like this in the future, so consider signing up for my mailing list to stay updated.