Assertiveness is communicating and expressing your thoughts, feelings, and opinions in a way that makes your views and needs clearly understood by others, without putting down their thoughts, feelings, or opinions. Assertive communication is the ability to express positive and negative ideas and feelings in an open, honest and direct way.
It recognises our rights while still respecting the rights of others. It allows us to take responsibility for ourselves and our actions without judging or blaming other people. And it allows us to constructively confront and find a mutually satisfying solution where conflict exists.
Why Use Assertive Communication?
All of us use assertive behaviour at times... quite often when we feel vulnerable or unsure of ourselves we may resort to submissive, manipulative or aggressive behaviour.
Yet being trained in assertive communication actually increases the appropriate use of this sort of behaviour. It enables us to swap old behaviour patterns for a more positive approach to life. I've found that changing my response to others (be they work colleagues, clients or even my own family) can be exciting and stimulating.
Advantages of Assertiveness Skills in Communication
There are many advantages of assertiveness skills in communication, most notably these:
Assertiveness helps us feel good about ourselves and others
Assertiveness leads to the development of mutual respect with others
Assertiveness increases our self-esteem
Assertiveness helps us achieve our goals
Assertiveness minimises hurting and alienating other people
Assertiveness reduces anxiety
Assertiveness protects us from being taken advantage of by others
Assertiveness enables us to make decisions and free choices in life
Assertiveness enables us to express a wide range of feelings and thoughts
There are, as I see it, four choices you can make about which style of communication you can employ:
1. Direct Aggression
Bossy, arrogant, bulldozing, intolerant, opinionated, and overbearing
2. Indirect Aggression
Sarcastic, deceiving, ambiguous, insinuating, manipulative, and guilt-inducing
3. Submissive
Wailing, moaning, helpless, passive, indecisive, and apologetic
4. Assertive
Direct, honest, accepting, responsible, and spontaneous
There are six main characteristics of assertiveness skills in communication:
1. Eye Contact
Demonstrates interest and shows sincerity.
2. Body Posture
Congruent body language will improve the significance of the message.
3. Gestures
Appropriate gestures help to add emphasis.
4. Voice
A level, modulated tone is more convincing and acceptable, and is not intimidating.
5. Timing
Use your judgement to maximise receptivity and impact.
6. Content
How, where and when you choose to comment is probably more important than WHAT you say.
The Importance of "I" Statements
Part of being assertive involves the ability to appropriately express your needs and feelings.
You can accomplish this by using "I" statements.
These indicate ownership, do not attribute blame, focuses on behaviour, identifies the effect of behaviour, is direct and honest, and contributes to the growth of your relationship with each other.
Strong "I" Statements Have Three Specific Elements:
Behaviour
Feeling
Tangible effect (consequence to you)
For Example:
"I feel frustrated when you are late for meetings. I don't like having to repeat information."
Six Techniques For Assertiveness in Communication
There are six assertiveness techniques - let's look at each of them in turn.
Behaviour Rehearsal
This is literally practising how you want to look and sound. It is a very useful technique when you first want to use "I" statements, as it helps dissipate any emotion associated with an experience and allows you to accurately identify the behaviour you wish to confront.
Repeated Assertion (the 'broken record')
This assertiveness technique allows you to feel comfortable by ignoring manipulative verbal side traps, argumentative baiting and irrelevant logic while sticking to your point. To most effectively use this assertiveness technique use calm repetition, and say what you want and stay focused on the issue. You'll find that there is no need to rehearse this technique, and no need to 'hype yourself up' to deal with others.
Examples
"I would like to show you some of our products" "No thank you, I'm not interested" "I really have a great range to offer you" "That may be true, but I'm not interested at the moment" "Is there someone else here who would be interested?" "I don't want any of these products" "Ok, would you take this brochure and think about it?" "Yes, I will take a brochure" "Thank you" "You're welcome"
Fogging
This technique allows you to receive criticism comfortably, without getting anxious or defensive, and without rewarding manipulative criticism.To do this you need to acknowledge the criticism, agree that there may be some truth to what they say, but remain the judge of your choice of action.
An example of this could be:
"I agree that there are probably times when I don't give you answers to your questions.
Negative Enquiry
This assertiveness technique seeks out criticism about yourself in close relationships by prompting the expression of honest, negative feelings to improve communication. To use it effectively you need to listen for critical comments, clarify your understanding of those criticisms, use the information if it will be helpful or ignore the information if it is manipulative.
An example of this assertiveness technique would be:
"So you think/believe that I am not interested?"
Negative Assertion
This assertiveness technique lets you look more comfortably at negatives in your own behaviour or personality without feeling defensive or anxious, this also reduces your critics' hostility. You should accept your errors or faults, but not apologise. Instead, tentatively and sympathetically agree with hostile criticism of your negative qualities.
An example would be:
"Yes, you're right. I don't always listen closely to what you have to say."
Workable Compromise
When you feel that your self-respect is not in question, consider a workable compromise with the other person. You can always bargain for your material goals unless the compromise affects your personal feelings of self-respect. However, if the end goal involves a matter of your self-worth and self-respect, THERE CAN BE NO COMPROMISE.
An example of this assertiveness technique would be:
"I understand that you have a need to talk and I need to finish what I'm doing. So what about meeting in half an hour?"
Conclusion
Assertive behaviour is a useful communication tool. Its application is contextual and it's not appropriate to be assertive in all situations. Remember, your sudden use of assertiveness may be perceived as an act of aggression by others.There's also no guarantee of success, even when you use assertive communication styles appropriately.
"Nothing on earth can stop the individual with the right mental attitude from achieving their goal; nothing on earth can help the individual with the wrong mental attitude" - W.W. Ziege
When you match consumer psychology with effective communication styles you get a powerful combination.
What is an example of assertive communication?
Here are a few examples of assertive communication:
"I completely understand what you’re saying but I have to disagree”
“I feel frustrated when you are late for meetings. I don't like having to repeat information."
“Could you explain the reasoning behind your decision, so I can try to understand what you’re doing”
"I understand that you have a need to talk and I need to finish what I'm doing. So what about meeting in half an hour?"
“I want you to help me with this report”
“Can you suggest a time we can talk about the missed deadline. I’m concerned”
How To Be Assertive
Here are some useful guidelines to ensure your successful use of an assertive communication style:
Ask permission to have the conversation.
Example:
Do you have some time so I can talk to you about something that's been bothering me?
Reinforce relationship: Optional depending upon previous rapport.
Example:
I want us to have a good working relationship so that's why I wanted to discuss with you any potential conflict we might have and sort it out.
1) I Feel ____________________________________
(feeling word)
Example:
I feel upset when you ___________________________
2) Description of unwanted behavior
Example:
Interrupts me when I'm talking.
3) Description of wanted behavior
Example:
I rather we not interrupt each other so we both can best listen to what the other is saying.
4) Potential consequence (optional for when others aren't immediately cooperative)
Example:
If you can't refrain from interjecting, I won't talk to you at this time because there is just no point.
4 Types of Communication
Assertive
Respects others rights and sticks up for self
confident / leads by example / earns others respect / straight forward / honest / values self and others / problem solver / solution focused / looks for win-win outcomes / merit based / collaborative / open to others perspective / takes responsibility for own behavior / can ask for help / can respectfully disagree / stable but developing identity / able to dialogue / secure / shares / takes reasonable risks
Passive
Respects others and doesn't stick up for self
meek / weak / sad / dependent / victim / low self-esteem / seeks others to protect them or solve their problems / selfless / followers / adjusts themselves to meet others expectations / martyrs / internalizes negative statements about them / helpless / fearful / givers / indecisive / doesn't take responsibility / not a risk taker / feels inferior / blames self for everything
Aggressive
Violates other's rights and sticks up for self
boasts / arguers / tries to win at all costs / demeaning / abusive / respects power / coercion / punishment / blames / threatens / looking out for #1 / name calling / looks to attack another's character / listens only for information to support their claim and to discount others claim / values self over others / adversarial / exaggerates / uses "survival of fittest" to justify their transgressions / anger / offensive / demanding / blaming / authoritarian / takers / risk takers / feels superior / challenges all possible threats
Passive Aggressive
Violates others and doesn't stick up for self
manipulators / cheaters / gossips / sabotage / cheaters / vandalism / backstabbers / sarcasm / easily perceived slights / instigators / resentful / paranoia / puppet masters / plausible / deniability / two faced / develops alliances against others / feels superior but that they don't get their due / strategic / avoidant of direct conflict / complainers / bitter / miserable / doesn't disclose true feelings
Assertive Communication
Practice
Tip: Before responding, consider what your wants and needs might be in each situation. Grab a piece of blank paper and write down what your Assertive Response would be to each of the situations below.
Your Partner: "I know you have plans for the weekend, but I really need you to watch the kids. I have a friend coming to town, and we made plans."
Assertive Response:
__________________________________________
Situation: You've just received your food at a restaurant, and it was prepared incorrectly. Your sandwich seems to have extra mayo, instead of no mayo.
Assertive Statement:
_________________________
Your Friend: "Hey, can I borrow some money? I want to buy these shoes, but I left my wallet at home. I'll pay you back soon, I swear. It won't be like last time."
Assertive Response:
_________________________________
Situation: Your neighbor is adding an expansion to their house, and the crew starts working, very loudly at 5 A.M. It has woken you up every day for a week.
Assertive Statement:
____________________________
Source: TherapistAid.com
Why is assertive communication an effective strategy?
Not only does assertive communication help us express our views and achieve goals but do so without hurting or alienating others. It’s the key to developing mutual respect for each other.
What is the difference between assertive and aggressive communication?
Assertive communication is conveying your message in a direct but accepting and respectful way. Aggressive communication, on the other hand, is speaking in a disrespectful, arrogant, and bossy way.
How to develop assertive communication skills?
Practice, practice, practice! You need to work on your eye contact and body language, practice controlling your voice, and communicating in a direct but non-aggressive manner. You can also take an assertiveness course and further develop your skills.
What are the 3 C's of assertive communication?
Confidence: you are composed and believe in yourself and what you’re saying
Clarity: your message is clear and easy to understand
Control: You are in control of the situation and are monitoring what’s happening
Source: Impact Factory